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Many of us are so afraid of loneliness that we seek to be with anyone. Some stubbornly, but to no avail, try to establish relations with at least someone, others have such high expectations that no candidate can pass the selection. Psychologist Kristina Kostikova explains why it is important to pause the search for a while, shift the focus of attention to oneself and how this will help in finding a suitable partner.
Each of us wants a relationship with a partner to bring happiness, joy, fullness and inspiration. However, this does not always happen and not with everyone. How to be First of all, it is worth changing optics: stop considering loneliness as something negative and think that this is the best time to get to know yourself. It is on the quality of this acquaintance, on building relationships with yourself that the partner will sooner or later appear next to you.

Here are a few key questions that underlie relationships with yourself, and as a result, with other people.

1. Ask yourself why you need a partner
An honest and detailed answer will help you see the true need behind the thirst for relationships. Each has its own answer: someone needs a relationship so as not to feel alone, someone wants to feel important and significant. Some are looking for partnerships of happiness that they do not experience alone, while others want financial support. Each unclosed need gives rise to anxiety, and the illusion arises that another person can satisfy this need.

But the paradox is that if you look for a partner based on actual needs and even meet him, anxiety will only dull for a while. Subsequently, it transforms into a fear of losing a partner: this happens when there is no sense of one's own integrity. The psyche understands that the satisfaction of needs and emotional balance depend on a specific person (partner), which means that you must try not to lose it with all your strength.

Write down everything that comes to mind and think about how you can satisfy these needs yourself

But the worst part is that even if we once realize that the partner is no longer happy with us, it will be more difficult to end the relationship, because we do not have the ability to close emerging needs (be it emotional balance or financial support) on our own.

A question about the true purpose of finding a partner is best answered in writing. Write down everything that comes to mind, take a look at the list and think about how you can satisfy these needs yourself.

By learning to close your important needs, you will not only gain self-confidence, but also be able to look at your future partner without undue idealization, will not cling to anyone who will pay attention to you, and will be able to calmly look for a mature person like yourself .

2. Learn and love yourself
The slogan for books, magazines and the Internet. But it seems easier said than done. How to love the main person in your life - yourself?

Let's draw an analogy with a romantic relationship. How does your love for another person flow? And how does she grow into love? Most likely, at first you get to know and recognize your partner: you are interested in his tastes, hobbies, and what can please or upset him. After that, you will know the person deeper: his personal qualities, weaknesses and fears. You can love only by consciously accepting the other as he is, without trying to change him.

This principle can be applied to yourself. It is impossible to love yourself until you recognize yourself from all sides. Such a love begins with a sincere interest in yourself, your preferences and desires, emotions and feelings. Try to study yourself, not evaluating in terms of “good-bad”, allow yourself to accept and withstand any of your feelings.

The best way to understand what you yourself lack is to pay attention to what you want to do for others.

Как построить счастье, и спасти себя от плохих отношений

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